Shame.

Shame can leave us feeling unworthy and defective, with the urge to withdraw or hide.

Do you ever feel fundamentally flawed? Do you blame yourself for problems because you think something is inherently wrong with you? Do you hold yourself back because you feel unworthy? If you experience these or similar thoughts on a regular basis, you might be struggling with feelings of shame.

Is something wrong with me?

Shame is a powerful and complex emotion that can have a profound impact on our lives. It's a feeling of deep humiliation or distress, often triggered by the belief that we've done something wrong, foolish, or inadequate. Shame can feel incredibly painful, and it can lead us to withdraw or isolate ourselves from others. It's often tied to a deep-seated feeling of not being good enough, or that something is inherently wrong with us.

Shame can suggest we ought to hide parts of ourselves; suppress, ignore or override our needs; or that we have to make drastic changes to who we are as a person in order to "deserve" love, respect or just basic human decency.

Shame can manifest in a variety of ways, both emotionally and physically. Common experiences include feeling exposed, defective, vulnerable, and inadequate. Emotionally, shame can lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and a desire to disappear. We might also notice blushing, sweating, a rapid heartbeat and racing thoughts.

Sounds awful! So why do we even feel shame?

Humans have always relied on one another to survive. Even for those of us who live alone these days, it is likely that someone else made our clothes, cultivated our food, looks after our pets/kids and built our home. In early human societies, we relied on each other to build and maintain shelter, for safety and protection, for hunting and gathering - being thrown out from the group could mean certain death. This is where, from an evolutionary perspective, shame may have played a crucial role in our survival.

Shame could have evolved as a mechanism to regulate human behavior, discouraging actions that might lead to social rejection like causing unnecessary harm to others, hoarding or disregard for the groups wellbeing. In small doses, shame can be a teacher reminding us of the importance of social harmony; to be humble, open to growing, learning and caring of others. However, there is such a thing as too much shame.

Chronic (or "toxic") shame

As it could be said for many things, shame is most helpful in moderation. Chronic shame can lead to a sense of unfulfillment, burn-out, depression and self-destructive behaviours like addiction. Often times, to alleviate the pain of shame, we might avoid certain situations, become quickly defensive and escalating a conflict, seek excessive validation from others or misuse substances. The belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us might lead us to overlook our body's important signals, like feeling hunger, danger or what we actually want.

Early childhood experiences, intergenerational trauma, socio-political influences, gender roles, cultural norms and social media all play a role in implanting and reinforcing shame to the point where it becomes chronic, limiting and for many, debilitating.

Freeing yourself from the shame shackles

Shame is a normal human emotion that can serve a purpose, but it's important to understand its potential impact on our lives. When shame becomes excessive or chronic, it can lead to self-destructive behaviors and negatively impact our self-perception and relationships.

If you're experiencing intense feelings of shame that are interfering with your quality of life, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for navigating chronic shame. Some examples of goals for therapy might include:

• Developing greater self-awareness so that we are less controlled by shame;

• Understanding how shame impacts our functioning at work, in my relationships, in parenting, and our sense of identity;

• Developing healthier coping mechanisms like curiosity, self-compassion and grounding;

• Using new skills to inform more effective communication with others;

• Discovering what we value most and taking action to building a more fulfilling life.

If you have additional questions about the information found in this article or starting therapy, please email our Care Coordinator, Isabel at info@charrontherapy.com