Body image issues. They come up a lot.
It’s interesting because it’s not even why most of my clients request therapy in the first place – in fact, I don’t think it’s even in the top five reasons. And yet, the topic comes up several times a week.
From restricting food to binge eating, to “sucking it in”, to avoiding dating, activities, events and interactions– preoccupation with weight has an insidious impact on people’s lives. In exploring this issue with my clients - and, let’s be honest, with myself - I’ve come to understand that the issue runs much deeper than appearances. The forces that drive body image issues come at a great cost to the person suffering from them. Like many before me, I have come to see that there is an alternative to living at war with your body: to find some peace and get your life back.
Body image appears to be a strangely loaded issue, perhaps because we find so many often-contradictory narratives in the society we live in. The medical narrative proposes a relationship between weight and health. The body positivity movement tells you to love yourself at any size. The fitness narrative suggests ability and strength are key. History has a narrative, too, about social roles, control and what we deem acceptable. There’s the evolutionary narrative focused on what might be necessary to attract a partner. The fashion narrative suggests what you should aspire to.
And even within these narratives, there is disagreement!
I’ve come to see this debate from a different perspective. Regardless of your situation we’re all just trying to feel as good as possible while avoiding as much suffering as possible.
For years I’ve listened to my clients and learned to observe my own brain’s chatter. I’ve come to realize that body image is often equated with quality of life.
“If I lose weight, I’ll be happier.”
“If I stay fat, I’ll be alone forever.”
“If I look like this, no one will take me seriously.”
“If I get fit, I’ll live longer.”
“If I get a bigger butt, I’ll be sexier.”
“If I’m thin, people will like me.”
We may have even had experiences that seemed to confirm these thoughts. Some have been bullied for their weight. Some have had a friend they deem more attractive find love sooner. Some may have heard their own parents talk about weight in a negative way. Not to mention that for a long time, the pretty, skinny girl always got the spotlight and the guy in the movies! No wonder our brains have associated certain body traits with being happy and others with being unhappy.
Of course, some of these life experiences stay with us (note that it’s also interesting to consider all that we have long forgotten). If the experiences we remember felt awful, we want to avoid them again at all costs. If the experiences felt good, we’d want to repeat or perpetuate them.
But here is a sobering fact: the idea (and it is just that, an idea) that a certain body type will shield you from unpleasant emotions or put you in an eternal state of confidence and bliss is – ahem – baloney.
Trust me, I’ve had many very different people sit on the couch in my office. I worked in a hospital for five years and looked out into a waiting room every day. There is no weight, no height, no proportions, no complexion, no amount of money in your bank account that makes you immune to suffering. I understand that some of these may lead to different opportunities in life, in the external world – but on the inside, it’s the same Rolodex of emotions for everyone. Even the rich feel failure. Even the beautiful feel rejected. Even the fit feel weak. Even youthful feel vulnerable.
Writing this article is hard because everyone’s relationship with their body is different. A one-size-fits-all solution is hard to tailor.
Here is my best attempt: if your relationship with your body weighs you down (wink-wink), you can learn to be in the moment and listen to your body and trust that it will give you all the information you need to make the right choices for you, so you can use your mental energy for things that really matter to you and live a better life!
… ok, well, actually, that’s pretty much the idea.
Let’s break that down a little bit:
- Learning to be present and reading our bodily cues is essential for a better relationship with your body. It can help us identify hunger and fullness, yes, but learning to be present with our bodies also gives us access to our full experience at any moment. Not just the thoughts in our heads.
- You can’t prevent bad things from happening, and you can’t make good feelings last forever. If you learn to be present and listen to your body, you will make the right choices when the situation comes up. What to eat, when and how much, and what to do if you feel hurt, challenged or lonely.
- Too much time spent in your head means less time enjoying life. Any time spent trying to avoid feelings from happening (rejection, sadness, loneliness, being disliked, etc.) is time, attention and focus taken away from actively pursuing what matters most to you.
I realize putting it this way sounds so simple and that it’s not always so easy to practice, especially not at first. The invitation is simply to be less attached to what your thoughts have to say by firstly noticing your thoughts. You may be surprised to notice just how incessant our thoughts really are! Just a constant bombardment all day long. No wonder it can be very distracting from our other senses. And that’s a big part of the problem right there: Living in your heads means life can pass us by.
A cruel irony, if you consider that all these brain rules are desperately trying to secure a good life for you. Our thinking ability, however captivating, is but a small part of our whole experience.
Besides your thoughts, a lot is happening inside you and in your body when you’re eating something delicious, enjoying the sunshine, caught in the rain, moving your body, when you’re out with friends, working or taking part in any number of other human experiences. You can spend your life trying to make yourself fit some ideal, or you can live it as it’s happening.
Your body and mind can collaborate to help you connect with what makes life worth living. All of your brain’s wonderful problem-solving capabilities can be streamlined and paired with your body’s wisdom regarding what it needs and what it feels to pursue a life of value. If love is really what matters, don’t worry about what others are doing about love; put your money where your mouth is and love the heck out of everything, especially you.
Love and be kind to yourself; you are the longest relationship you’ll ever have.
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Life is not measured in inches or in pounds. There are many ways to practice the skills needed to live a life beyond your thoughts, fears and worries about body image. A yoga practice and/or mindfulness practice is a great way to start. You can even find different resources specifically geared toward body acceptance and self-compassion. A trusted therapist can also help you navigate your thoughts and feelings related to body image and help you gain a new perspective.
Interested in digging deeper? Books like Living With Your Body and Other Things You Hate, The Untethered Soul, Mindful Eating, and The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck, explore this approach to body image issues.
